A Depressive's Dictionary

Inspired by Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. Like everything else, I shall doubtless fail to complete it.

Word	Use	Definition
Alpha	adj	the socially dominant among a group of animals, particularly mammals. Among humans, the ones who control politcal, economic or spiritual power are considered alphas. Humans have throughout recorded history, chosen males to be alphas; this is currently changing. It remains to be seen if females will be any improvement.
Anger	n	a natural response to reality. It should be noted that this response requires a fair amount of energy. A more efficient response is depression.
Conflict	n	the natural state of relations between humans. In situations of conflict each party attempts to achieve his or her personal goals at the expense of others.
Death	n	the permanent achievement of peace on an individual basis.
Hope	vb	word used to describe an illusory feeling that things will get better or improve somehow. Most often followed by despair or disappointment; on infrequent occasions followed by success. Invariably this will ultimately lead to a greater disappointment or despair.
Life	n	the temporary state of being between birth and death. During this period, the biological purpose of the organism is to maximize the number of similar, cooperative organisms and to minimize through competition and elimination the number of competing organisms.
Love	vb	an emotion generated biochemically in the brain; designed to create bonds of dependence between humans and thus promote survival of the species.
Omega	adj	in human society anyone other than an alpha. (see alpha).
Peace	n	word used to describe the periods when nations are either recovering from a previous conflict or preparing to fight a new conflict.
Work	vb	what you are expected to do in the period between adolescence and death. A few small numbers of humans are able to do this for their own benefit; this is unnatural. A more natural state of affairs is to perform for the benefit of the alphas of a given group (state, corporation or church being typical group examples. Dictator, despot, monarch, president, CEO, priest or minister being typical titles of alphas).

Sick Again

My daughter is sick again. I am worried that where they put the tubes into her right ear has become infected. Hence, no posting.

Some things never change...

So I am reading Herodotus: The Histories. This is one of those classic books I have always meant to read and only now gotten around to. Anyway, I came across a passage that seems so apropos of the whole lobbying/corruption scandal encompassing the pigs representing the Republican party today that I thought I would share it.

For those unfamiliar with Herodotus, he has been called "The Father of History" which is not nearly as fatuous a title as it initially appears to be. So far as we have records, Herodotus was the first to write down a record of events in a form that was not dramatized, based on accounts of witnesses with both sides presented. Not bad, considering he lived in 5th century BCE, 2,500 years ago. Basically he recorded events around the Mediterranean, focusing on the wars between the Persians and the Hellenes (or Greeks). Considering Herodotus Greek citizenship, he's pretty well known to have given the Persians a chance to recount events from their viewpoints - then a novel concept in recording events (novel to the Bush administration as well, they like to accuse people who do that as giving aid and comfort to the enemy. And if knowledge and intelligence is the enemy, they are right).

Herodotus was also given the title The Father of Lies which shows not everyone liked his work. More recent historical and archeological discoveries and research has bolstered many of Herodotus' writings, which has given Herodotus high stature in the eyes of historians who are not complete assholes.

If you are planning on seeing the movie, 300, which looks to be a kick ass movie about the Battle of Thermopylae, Herodotus is very relevant as his accounting of the battle is one of the prime sources available to us today.

Enough digression, back to the story at hand. We are all familiar with how things work in the world of politics today, or at least from November 1994 until November of 2006. If you want to play, you got to pay. Donors get prime treatment, direct meetings with the power brokers and various side benefits like box seats at sporting events, dinner at exclusive restaurants and access, access, access!

Compare that with the below. Our cast of characters is Lydian king Croseus and the Oracle of Delphi. In this case, the Oracle represents the power establishment and Croseus is the campaign contributor, seeking favorable prophecies for his coming military campaign against the Persians.

It begins with Croseus having received a prophecy that convinced him the the Oracle of Delphi was genuine. Croseus decided to butter them up:

After this Croesus, having resolved to propitiate the Delphic god with a magnificent sacrifice... the king melted down a vast quantity of gold, and ran it into ingots, making them six palms long, three palms broad, and one palm in thickness. The number of ingots was a hundred and seventeen, four being of refined gold, in weight two talents and a half; the others of pale gold, and in weight two talents. He also caused a statue of a lion to be made in refined gold, the weight of which was ten talents...

On the completion of these works Croesus sent them away to Delphi, and with them two bowls of an enormous size, one of gold, the other of silver, which used to stand, the latter upon the right, the former upon the left, as one entered the temple... Croesus sent also four silver casks... and two lustral vases, a golden and a silver one... Besides these various offerings, Croesus sent to Delphi many others of less account, among the rest a number of round silver basins. Also he dedicated a female figure in gold, three cubits high, which is said by the Delphians to be the statue of his baking-woman; and further, he presented the necklace and the girdles of his wife.

Herodotus, The Histories 1.50

Then, after the donations, Croseus appeals to the Oracle, seeking favorable omens for his proposed military campaign. Upon receiving his reply:

At the receipt of these oracular replies Croesus was overjoyed, and feeling sure now that he would destroy the empire of the Persians, he sent once more to Pytho, and presented to the Delphians, the number of whom he had ascertained, two gold staters apiece. In return for this the Delphians granted to Croesus and the Lydians the privilege of precedency in consulting the oracle, exemption from all charges, the right to front seats at the games, and the perpetual right of becoming at pleasure citizens of their town.

Herodotus, The Histories 1.54

Lets compare:

Since 1997, Abramoff and his wife, Pam, have given DeLay's political action committees $40,000. Additionally, the Capital Athletic Foundation, one of Abramoff's charity/slush funds gave the DeLay Foundation for Kids $25,000 in 2003...

Superbowl
In January 2000, Abramoff leased a corporate jet and sent Tim Berry, a DeLay staffer, and Tony Rudy, a former DeLay staffer-turned-lobbyist, to watch the Super Bowl and then spend a night gambling on a SunCruz ship. They were joined by two of Conrad Burns' staffers.

Skyboxes and Other Travel
DeLay was also a frequent guest of Abramoff at the lobbyist's MCI Center and FedEx Field Skyboxes. DeLay staffers were guests of Abramoff on a trip to Pebble Beach, CA, to see the US Open.

Taken from TPM Muckraker

and:

Abramoff sent congressmen on luxury trips.
Abramoff organized trips for congressmen, their aides and their families to places such as Scotland, Puerto Rico, the Marshall Islands, and Russia, as well as the 2000 Super Bowl. These trips cost tens of thousands of dollars, and often included golfing, gambling or other recreation. Abramoff's clients footed the bills.

Legislators who traveled on Abramoff's dime include Reps. Tom DeLay (R-TX), Bob Ney (R-OH), John Doolittle (R-CA), and Conrad Burns (R-MT)...

Abramoff has admitted to bribing Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH).
According to Abramoff's plea deal, he provided gifts and contributions to Ney in exchange for official acts.

Abramoff organized a trip to Scotland for Bob Ney and his staff that was paid for in part by the Tigua tribe. Ney created legislation to allow the Tiguas to regain their gaming rights - a plan that eventually failed.

Abramoff also reportedly helped guide $10,000 to the Republican committee, a donation for which Ney received credit. At the request of Abramoff, Ney entered two statements in the Congressional Record that favored the Abramoff-Kidan acquisition of SunCruz.

Abramoff paid Tony Rudy's wife in return for Rudy's help in Congress.

According to his plea deal, Abramoff paid Lisa Rudy, wife of Tom DeLay chief of staff Tony Rudy, $5,000 per month for 10 months while she worked with a group called Toward Tradition.

In return, Tony Rudy used his sway to help the Abramoff clients who supplied the funding - eLottery and the Magazine Publishers of America.

Abramoff offered to arrange meetings with President Bush for foreign heads of state.
In 2002, Abramoff used his connection to Karl Rove to set up a meeting between President Bush and Malaysian President Mahathir Mohamad. Abramoff received about $1 million from the Malaysian government for his lobbying services in 2001 and 2002.

Abramoff also offered to arrange a meeting between President Bush and President Omar Bongo of Gabon for $9 million. Though there is no record that the offer was accepted, Bush did eventually meet with Bongo.

Grover Norquist arranged meetings with Bush every year from 2001 through 2004 for Abramoff's tribal clients. For example, on May 9, 2001, Norquist arranged a meeting between the Coushatta, Choctaw and Bush. Two other corporate entities were there. The price to attend was $25,000 per person.
Taken from TPM Muckraker

Pay to play. Some things never change.

iDivorce coming soon...

I have no idea why Steve Jobs and those other bastards at Apple Computer, um, Apple Inc., have against my marriage. All I know is that as I watched Jobs give the product introduction for the iPhone, I was thinking to myself: well, my first call might as well be to a divorce attorney. Seriously, my marriage barely survived the video iPod. My wife just did not understand how I could spend so much on what she considered a toy. She simply did not see any practical application for the product!

Of course, later, when we had a two hour plane flight back from Denver and a toddler with a raging ear infection, my wife finally admitted the iPod was useful. The kid spent two hours watching Baby Einstien videos in silence. That beat the flight up all to hell because that was two hours of screaming, kicking, crying and throwing toys. When kids ears don't feel well, doing things that cause them to pop is not smart.

Back to the subject at hand - the iMac G5 and the MacBook both have added strain to our marriage as my wife ask where her toys are? Suggesting she go buy some has not won me any brownie points either.

And now you bastards at Apple have done it again! It is unbelievable, the hatred you have for my family. Just as things get settled down after the laptop you come out with this. The simplest, most elegant, easy to use mobile phone. Seriously, if you have not seen this thing in action, go to Apple and have a look. I'm not kidding. Whether it is the iPod that lets you search through album covers, the phone that lets you use your fingers to scroll through contacts or the fully functional web browser... wow. Just wow.

It blows my PPC-6700 from Sprint out of the water. Keep in mind that that PPC is a fully functional PC and it is just DOA against iPhone. Jesus, I don't dare use it in the car - there is no way to dial with one hand and even speed dial is a pain in the ass. You need two hands, one to hold and one to use the stylus. I think you can use the iPhone with one.

Oh, Goddess, I am in so much trouble...

Shame

Note to my friends in the northeast: please dress in bright clothing for the next few days. Try not to look like an elderly white lawyer for the weekend. Dick Cheney is going hunting somewhere up there.

I'm not proud to be an American; I've said it before and I'll say it again, this time with fewer links. Been sitting here thinking and I realized that I cannot come up with even three reasons to be proud of my country today. Shit, the only two that come to mind are our National parks (which are badly underfunded) and our highway system which is crumbling.

There is a guy I do business with in India, we've done business together for two years. We chit chat a lot in emails and talk about family and even a very, very little about politics. He is muslim. It is pretty goddamned sad to talk to him over the phone and hear him ask if I have heard that somewhere in Texas there is a concentration camp for muslims? Is this true?

Well of course it's true.

That is just so goddamn shameful I can't think of anything else to say.

Small miracles

Tonight my daughter decided to help me trim some plants in my planted aquarium and do a waterchange. She was more hindrance than help, but how could I say no? Since she had the tubes put in her ears this past thursday she has been a different child. It's obvious that she is hearing better - she is more responsive and more talkative. She's not in extreme discomfort and does not cry nearly as often. I wish we had done the tubes earlier. Hindsight is always 20/20.

No word yet on the Prius. In some ways, I don't even want to hear. I have this sickening feeling it will never be quite the same car that I loved so well. Also, I am now having to clean the hell out of the garage so that there is room for the Prius inside. No more leaving the Prius outside. I still think I am more likely to use a gun on myself than an intruder, so that is out of the question... but Goddess, I want to hunt them down and hurt them. Which really is a sign of spiritual immaturity.

Went to an AA meeting today, something I do not do with the frequency that I need to. It was a good meeting; there was a newcomer and she reminded me why it is so important not to take that first drink. Because if my life is terrible now, all I have to do to make it much worse is drink.

There is so much more I want to write but it is 12:19am and I have work in the morning so I must stop.

EDIT: Man, I didn't realize how fucking fat and ugly I was till I looked at the pictures. Maybe I should buy a gun after all.

For your viewing pleasure...

Missing passenger side seat belt. The drivers side was stolen as well.
Missing passenger side airbag.
Missing airbag from steering wheel.
Drilled lock on driver's side front door.

Wanna hear the amazing part? They didn't take the child car seat and completely missed the iPod that I never, ever, leave in the car except last night...

People suck.

Well, that's a great start to the new year...

Went to go to work and the Prius has been burglarized. They drilled the lock, stole the airbags and the seatbelts. Left everything else including stereo, system monitor and child safety seat. Waiting on the cops now.

BTW - how do I feel about handgun ownership now? I'm still glad I don't own one. I'm still a lot more likely to kill myself than anyone else.

Too Cold

It is too cold to blog. Two days and my daughter gets tubes in her ears. Hopefully that will help her. She's too young to be this miserable.

We Have Entered The Period Of Consequences

Bought your beachfront property in Arkansas yet? Might be time to start doing so. Global warming is real.

Inheritance Fears

Sorry for the no posting over the holidays. Things get busy fast when you have a nineteen month old with you without any scheduled structured activities. I have learned though. I nap when she does. I don't know that it gives me any more energy or makes me more rested, I just know that I do it. Good Yule holiday for us; the young one got many gifts, including to my dismay, several Elmo books. Having not observed the addictive properties of Elmo before, I was surprised at how quicky she took to Elmo - especially since she had never seen Elmo on TV outside of one or two segments on the two Seasame Street videos we own. I actually started to wonder if the day care was showing them videos in spite of their claim not to.

I am still fighting my depression though. Right now it has... faded somewhat. It is not as strong as it was but it is truly still with me. I'm afraid of it and I should be. Depression will kill me if I am not vigilant. I truly and deeply hope that my daughter does not inherit my depression; I think that would be awful. If she does, then my only hope is that medical technology will have advanced enough to treat it more effectively. I pray that I would recognize the symptoms sooner so that she can get help early.

Depression and alcoholism. Both hereditary. Both reasons why I did not want children. I think that the Goddess had other plans because my beautiful daughter was concieved in spite of all the careful precautions we took. No method of birth control is 100%, but my wife and I are both educated and the odds favored us by large margins. And then our daughter came along. She is adorable and so smart but I am filled with fears for her. My challenge is to not let those fears determine how I parent her.

Bastard Fairies

Go download the free new CD from the Bastard Fairies. To be honest, I'm not sure I like it or not - I know it is interestingly different from anything else I listen to. You can then go and watch their YouTube videos, including the controversial one called The Coolest 8 Year Old In The World Talks About O'Reilly.

Are they using that girl for political purposes? Shit yeah. Do I have a problem with it? Not really. I used to do the pro-choice marches at clinics; I've seen enemy children with pictures of bloody fetuses. The enemy indoctrinates their children young; we should not indoctrinate, but we should teach and get them active and involved at a young age. This is the world they will inherit - they'd best know how to fight for it. Would I let my daughter be in a video like that? No, but that is a personal parenting decision. I haven't walked a mile in their shoes to know why they did that.

Besides, I do know that the singer for Bastard Fairies is Yellow Thunder Woman. She is Native American, a direct decendant of the Great Ponca Chief Standing Bear, an Indian princess and member of the Yankton Sioux. So, I don't think she or her family owe the United States, its white cultures and heritage, any respect at all. Nor should they teach that little girl to respect this country. This nation was founded upon the genocide of the Native American and rather than face and renounce our evil, selfish past, we are expanding it to embrace torture and secret prisons.

Just my opinion.

Dangerous Times

I'm sitting here a little bit frightened, very skeptical and very dazed. I've actually been feeling pretty good psychologically these past two days. Past experience warns me that all of this could change and go away in an instant. And it's not like it needs a prompt from the outside world like getting in a wreck or losing my job. It just happens.

So even though I am feeling okay right now - not great but not bad, I don't trust my own feelings and moods. All you have to do to is visit the post Depression's Going to Kill Me and you will see why. Those moods, semi-suicidal and violently self-loathing can consume me.

Over the years I have come to accept the fact that this is a disease, like diabetes or kidney failure. For some reason, my brain does not produce the chemicals needed to keep my moods in balance the way it should. Maybe it is genetic; it certainly is biological. The medications I take supplement the chemicals in the brain I need. Like a diabetic, if I don't take my medications consistently and routinely I suffer the effects of my disease.

It doesn't help that people seem to be unable to understand the simple biology behind it. Telling me to just cheer up and quit being depressed is like telling a person with heart disease to just suck it up and get ready to run a marathon. It just does not work that way. I'm not this way because I have failed morally or I lack strength. How the hell can you say I am not strong? It takes a lot of strength and endurance just to not kill myself sometimes. If moral strength and courage is like a muscle then I must have a hell of a lot more than most people because I am constantly exercising my moral strength and courage.

The other one mentally ill people get a lot of is this goddamn stupid idea that if you are mentally illl then God is punishing you for some reason. Hey, if your God works that way, maybe that is not a God you are worshipping. That's more like what I imagine a devil would be like. This would be like God punishing an infant by giving the infant leukemia. I don't believe that our creator - The Goddess - works that way. I really don't. I don't see Her as being that cruel.

Anyway the real hidden trap with depression is this: sometimes, even when you take your medications as prescribed, depression can still sneak up on you and overtake you anyway. I hate it, it isn't fair but shit, it just creeps up on you and gets you without warning.

And that is why I feel I can't trust my own mind today.

Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober, one day at a time, since Imbolc of 2001 by your grace and your grace alone. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober. Please be with me today all through the day and help me stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that will out. Thy will, not mine, be done. Blessed Be.

Now that's how you start a good day.

A Little More Comfortable In My Own Skin Today

I am feeling better tonight...

Maybe it it because I got a contract to right another article (during my blogging hiatus I was actually paid by two national publications in my field for my writing) for a pretty prominent magazine in my professional field. Being paid to write. You have no idea. That's like someone writing me a paycheck for eating pizza... it's not as good as sex but it sure the hell beats work.

Maybe it was my beautiful daughter yelling "Daddy!" as she climbed out of the car seat to greet me when my wife came home.

Maybe it was my Higher Power stepping in and reminding me that This too, shall pass.

But I really don't think it was any of those things... I think it was because I wandered over to Cute Overload and saw this:

Dammit, it is well nigh impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you look at a photo like that of a poor dog in socks...

And yeah, that's right, I'm a guy and I wear kilts and hang out at Cute Overload. You wanna make something out of it, huh? Huh? You want your ass kicked by a guy in a skirt? Didn't think so.

Nothing is Really Worth It Anymore

Pretty much sums it up.

I went to a Yule/Solstice celebration this weekend and for a brief moment I felt connected but it was transient and long since gone. I have even less patience with my toddler now than before and know that I am failing as a father and husband.

No sleep again last night.

I'm gonna read the Big Book pages 60-63 which my sponsor assigned to me and pray but it won't help. But it will kill some time so why not.

Tired

My morning has been spent fixing flat tires, picking up other broken cars from dealership repair shops and things like that. I am going to nap. Last night my wife, I and my daughter went to her office Christmas party. If I ever wanted to feel stupid and out of place, that was a good place to choose to go. My daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and I did not know what to do.

I am going to go pray and read the big book and then nap.

Not Aloof, Just Angry.

I have recently learned that some people think I am aloof. I just want to make clear: it's not that I am aloof, its that I hate you. I'm not sitting around thinking I'm better than you; I'm actually sitting around wishing you were headed to Iraq. It's not that I don't care you had surgery. It's that I'd hoped you'd die on the table.

And if these sentiments aren't in keeping with the title and purpose of this blog, well, shit, then what is?

Depression's Gonna Kill Me

It's been so long since I've blogged, I've pretty much forgotten how to post.

Had to stop and write because I am going a little bit crazy. Maybe a lot crazy. I'm not ready to have a cigarette or take a drink, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm glad I don't own a gun. The temptation to kill myself has been on the edge of my mind off and on for many months now.

My daughter is the primary reason I have not done it. I wish I had not had her. Not for her sake. I love her, she is beautiful, she is bright, she is sunshine. But I don't think I am coping really well with being a father and all the time I spend with her is time that I feel like I am acting the role of the good dad. One time she bit me - hard - and it hurt like hell and I yelled at her "NO! Don't bite me!" She looked like she was about to have a heart attack she was so frightened and that was when I thought maybe she just saw the real me.

Depression - that's where I have been these past months. i'm doing just about the minimum to get by - going to the psychiatrist, kinda talking to my sponsor, praying in the morning... but that's about it and the prayers feel really fucking hollow. I feel like I am talking to empty space again. The psychiatrist and I have been playing with my meds a little but it does not seem to make a difference (well, except the six months I was on Zoloft and could not get an erection or feel any erotic or arousing feelings at all - some ways that was a blessing. With no interest in sex at all, life was a little simpler). She -the psychiatrist - pretty much feels that at this point its up to me. I have to do something to save myself.

You know, like go to an AA meeting. Or meditate.

I pretty much don't see the point.

I do want to talk to my sponsor, but she has her own problems now and I am actually scared for her. I also don't feel like I can do anything to help her. So, I just watch her with her worries and problems and feel like I can't talk to her about mine. In Maslow's Hierarchy of needs her problems are on the security/physiology level and mine are higher on the list.

Maybe I'll send her a link to this anyway. AA tells us that we should share our problems because giving another person a chance to help us may help them get away from their issues.

Funny thing is that at work and in my professional life, things are going very well. But when you feel like this, all that just turns to ashes in your hands.

All my life I have fought my depression and today I really am starting to feel like I'm close to losing.

I'll end with a stupid fucking AA gratitude list:
I am grateful for
my daughter
my wife
my relationship with my parents
my lack of a relationship with my sister
my dogs
my fish
my houseplants (don't laugh, nurturing them can be very healing)
The pay my job gives me. Fuck the job. I just want the money.
Credit card debt is almost paid off
my friends
The Creatress, The Goddess whom I don't feel is real at all anymore.

I don't feel safe blogging anymore

which is why I have not been doing it. Need to figure out what I am going to do about it.

How Lame Is This?

Well here I am a Yearly Kos and I don't have wifi so I cannot blog... I have ethernet cable but the hotel does not have access. Meanwhile, Air America is sponsoring free wifi for all participants...

So I am on a borrowed laptop and do not want to monopolize it.

Brief summary...
Met Kos, Atrios, Joe Wilson, Matt Stoller, Chris Bowers, DarkSyde, Devilstower, a bunch of reporters, a bunch of bloggers and it is very cool.

Anyway, I am a little overwhelmed, tired, and hungry. I have been running like crazy as a volunteer, making myself useful whereever and whenever possibled. So I am needing to take a break. Will blog more as I get access to computers...

Blessings to ya'll.