Inheritance Fears

Sorry for the no posting over the holidays. Things get busy fast when you have a nineteen month old with you without any scheduled structured activities. I have learned though. I nap when she does. I don't know that it gives me any more energy or makes me more rested, I just know that I do it. Good Yule holiday for us; the young one got many gifts, including to my dismay, several Elmo books. Having not observed the addictive properties of Elmo before, I was surprised at how quicky she took to Elmo - especially since she had never seen Elmo on TV outside of one or two segments on the two Seasame Street videos we own. I actually started to wonder if the day care was showing them videos in spite of their claim not to.

I am still fighting my depression though. Right now it has... faded somewhat. It is not as strong as it was but it is truly still with me. I'm afraid of it and I should be. Depression will kill me if I am not vigilant. I truly and deeply hope that my daughter does not inherit my depression; I think that would be awful. If she does, then my only hope is that medical technology will have advanced enough to treat it more effectively. I pray that I would recognize the symptoms sooner so that she can get help early.

Depression and alcoholism. Both hereditary. Both reasons why I did not want children. I think that the Goddess had other plans because my beautiful daughter was concieved in spite of all the careful precautions we took. No method of birth control is 100%, but my wife and I are both educated and the odds favored us by large margins. And then our daughter came along. She is adorable and so smart but I am filled with fears for her. My challenge is to not let those fears determine how I parent her.

Dangerous Times

I'm sitting here a little bit frightened, very skeptical and very dazed. I've actually been feeling pretty good psychologically these past two days. Past experience warns me that all of this could change and go away in an instant. And it's not like it needs a prompt from the outside world like getting in a wreck or losing my job. It just happens.

So even though I am feeling okay right now - not great but not bad, I don't trust my own feelings and moods. All you have to do to is visit the post Depression's Going to Kill Me and you will see why. Those moods, semi-suicidal and violently self-loathing can consume me.

Over the years I have come to accept the fact that this is a disease, like diabetes or kidney failure. For some reason, my brain does not produce the chemicals needed to keep my moods in balance the way it should. Maybe it is genetic; it certainly is biological. The medications I take supplement the chemicals in the brain I need. Like a diabetic, if I don't take my medications consistently and routinely I suffer the effects of my disease.

It doesn't help that people seem to be unable to understand the simple biology behind it. Telling me to just cheer up and quit being depressed is like telling a person with heart disease to just suck it up and get ready to run a marathon. It just does not work that way. I'm not this way because I have failed morally or I lack strength. How the hell can you say I am not strong? It takes a lot of strength and endurance just to not kill myself sometimes. If moral strength and courage is like a muscle then I must have a hell of a lot more than most people because I am constantly exercising my moral strength and courage.

The other one mentally ill people get a lot of is this goddamn stupid idea that if you are mentally illl then God is punishing you for some reason. Hey, if your God works that way, maybe that is not a God you are worshipping. That's more like what I imagine a devil would be like. This would be like God punishing an infant by giving the infant leukemia. I don't believe that our creator - The Goddess - works that way. I really don't. I don't see Her as being that cruel.

Anyway the real hidden trap with depression is this: sometimes, even when you take your medications as prescribed, depression can still sneak up on you and overtake you anyway. I hate it, it isn't fair but shit, it just creeps up on you and gets you without warning.

And that is why I feel I can't trust my own mind today.

Good Morning Goddess Brigit, my name is Andy and I am an alcoholic. I have been kept sober, one day at a time, since Imbolc of 2001 by your grace and your grace alone. I'd like to take this moment to thank You, my Higher Power, for this daily reprieve. Today is a good day to be sober. Please be with me today all through the day and help me stay sober all day long. Show me Your will for me and grant me the power to carry that will out. Thy will, not mine, be done. Blessed Be.

Now that's how you start a good day.