Depression's Gonna Kill Me

It's been so long since I've blogged, I've pretty much forgotten how to post.

Had to stop and write because I am going a little bit crazy. Maybe a lot crazy. I'm not ready to have a cigarette or take a drink, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm glad I don't own a gun. The temptation to kill myself has been on the edge of my mind off and on for many months now.

My daughter is the primary reason I have not done it. I wish I had not had her. Not for her sake. I love her, she is beautiful, she is bright, she is sunshine. But I don't think I am coping really well with being a father and all the time I spend with her is time that I feel like I am acting the role of the good dad. One time she bit me - hard - and it hurt like hell and I yelled at her "NO! Don't bite me!" She looked like she was about to have a heart attack she was so frightened and that was when I thought maybe she just saw the real me.

Depression - that's where I have been these past months. i'm doing just about the minimum to get by - going to the psychiatrist, kinda talking to my sponsor, praying in the morning... but that's about it and the prayers feel really fucking hollow. I feel like I am talking to empty space again. The psychiatrist and I have been playing with my meds a little but it does not seem to make a difference (well, except the six months I was on Zoloft and could not get an erection or feel any erotic or arousing feelings at all - some ways that was a blessing. With no interest in sex at all, life was a little simpler). She -the psychiatrist - pretty much feels that at this point its up to me. I have to do something to save myself.

You know, like go to an AA meeting. Or meditate.

I pretty much don't see the point.

I do want to talk to my sponsor, but she has her own problems now and I am actually scared for her. I also don't feel like I can do anything to help her. So, I just watch her with her worries and problems and feel like I can't talk to her about mine. In Maslow's Hierarchy of needs her problems are on the security/physiology level and mine are higher on the list.

Maybe I'll send her a link to this anyway. AA tells us that we should share our problems because giving another person a chance to help us may help them get away from their issues.

Funny thing is that at work and in my professional life, things are going very well. But when you feel like this, all that just turns to ashes in your hands.

All my life I have fought my depression and today I really am starting to feel like I'm close to losing.

I'll end with a stupid fucking AA gratitude list:
I am grateful for
my daughter
my wife
my relationship with my parents
my lack of a relationship with my sister
my dogs
my fish
my houseplants (don't laugh, nurturing them can be very healing)
The pay my job gives me. Fuck the job. I just want the money.
Credit card debt is almost paid off
my friends
The Creatress, The Goddess whom I don't feel is real at all anymore.